It's always when people die that we start to remember the regrets.  We think what we could have done or said differently, maybe changed some kind of outcome in the end.  For the past few days, I have been plagued by regret, haunted by it.  Regret has slept beside me, eaten my meals with me.  I have bathed in regret, clothed myself in regret.  I put regret as a concealer on my face, and hope it hides the pain.

She was my best friend growing up.  It was the four of us: me, my sister...her, her sister.  The four of us were unstoppable, inseparable.  And then one day, we were grown up.  Grown up and slowing drifted apart, but I would still remember the fun we had.  Our plans to cut out the center of an old tree stump and make a trap among so many others. 

And it hurts to say I wish things had been different, because we all know that they could have been, but now there's nothing we can do to change it. It hurts to say, to admit to myself that I will never have the chance to reconnect with her because she is gone now. And all I have left are the memories and the regrets.

And I don't know which is harder to live with.

I will always miss you.

I haven't posted in quite some time, I know.  It's been busy....holidays...family...relationship stuffs...but I thought I'd make a little posty.

It was a difficult holiday for lots of reasons, but mostly because I should have been having a baby, and instead...wasn't.  It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.  If it had not been for the most amazing guy in the whole entirety of the universe, I would not have survived it.  The thing was...it wasn't the guy I was dating (he didn't understand at all, and I don't think he wanted to try, either) which meant that he had to go.  I mean, I liked him.  He had told me that he had already decided that he wanted to marry me whenever I was ready for it.  Not entirely that romantic of a guy, it turns out.  But when he couldn't even be there for me when I needed it, I just couldn't see spending forever with him, you know?  Luckily, I had already met someone who, in one of our first conversations, told me that I deserved to be treated better than anyone had ever treated me.  And then he just kept treating me amazing.  So in my head, every time Micheal would say something or do something, I found myself thinking: Why can't you be more like Dave?  So, that was sort of the end of things....and the beginning.  

I always hope every new year will be better than the last, but so far, this year has had its ups and downs.  The only difference: I have a very good reason to smile and be happy.

I hope all of you are doing well.  (Get well soon, Jess *hugs*)  I've got a couple of new projects going on, so hopefully you'll start seeing them around.

Oh, and thanks for the birthday wishes if I haven't gotten the chance to reply to each one. 

:)

...though that has very little to do with the post.  I heard this song today, and had a fabulous idea which I spent about 8 hours working on.  While I have done a vid for the episode Unending, this song struck me as such that I had to do another one for Unending.

I'm not sure why, but I'm particularly proud of this one.  Maybe it's all my pent up creativity, maybe it was the song, maybe it was some of the fantastic clips (because it sure wasn't the "fantastic" plot line), I'm not entirely sure.  What I do know is that this is possibly the best vid I've done to date.  I experimented with some new things, some interesting overlays, so feedback would be appreciated to see if I did well or not.

Enjoy :)

Despite what happened to ssk_productions  earlier this year, I was determined to finish what I had started with it.  That being said...I finished Dry Ground and posted it both on lj and fanfiction.net, which you can find by following the pretty link here.

It feels good to finally have it done.  Unfortunately, the ending wasn't exactly what I expected.  That being said...I'm already working on the sequel...to the sequel.  But the good news is that this one is actually the one first conceived...the others were written merely to fix mistakes made in Unending, and then to further the plotline so that this story could be written.  Complicated, I know.

Anyway, I'm feeling accomplished.....

I made myself finish making this vid.  It's been sitting on my laptop for about two months, and I've had no ambition to do it.  However....it is now done.

It's a Jack vid to the song "Call Me" by Shinedown.

For those of you who know me, you know that my dogs are like my children....and that's why today broke my heart.  Scouty, the baby of our little family, has had a brain tumor for the past year and a half.  She had periodic seizures, walked crookedly, but did it all in stride, with a happy little gleam in her eyes.  But today...today she started having cluster seizures that didn't stop.  As hard a decision as it was, we knew that we couldn't let her suffer anymore.  She wasn't going to get better, we've known that from the beginning.  So we decided to put her to sleep.  Because I live so far away now, it wasn't feasible for me to drive up there with my boys, so I said my goodbyes over the phone.  I wish I could have said them in person, but there wasn't time.

There's never enough time...

I spent all day thinking about this.  Okay, not all day...but a good portion of it.  I stumbled upon a lj post/comment reply that perturbed me.  As some of you may know, a very close friend and I had a falling out some months ago.

I'm not trying to be the victim here, by any means.  I'm not looking for sympathy.  I just need to vent a little. 

( cut for length and...ranting... )

End rant.

Sorry, I just had to get this one off of my chest....

I've been taking my dogs to this awesome doggy park.  They absolutely love it.  There's water, there are tons of people and dogs....and they love it.  So I was having a bad day yesterday, so I took them for a few hours and decided to video it.  So I got home and compiled them all into a little vid.  It's cute, and I really enjoyed doing it. It's to the song "Great Escape" by Pat Monahan.

Enjoy!
 

P.S.  The embed video thing doesn't seem to be working for me....so you can find the video here.

....but it doesn't.

I started this vid a few months back, but haven't had the ambition to finish it, though it literally only took like a half an hour to finish.  It's a purely Sam vid, no ships or anything.  I got the idea while rewatching episodes with a friend of mine.  I had the thought that everyone takes what Sam does at the SGC for granted.  Most people think she's the show's eye candy...that all she does is stand still and look pretty.

So...the vid is to the song "Stand Still Look Pretty" by The Wreckers.

Enjoy!
 

Click on the picture to watch/download
Click here for youtube link

 

Okay, so it's been three weeks.  In some peoples' minds that means that I should magically be over losing my baby.  Pardon my language on this one, but those people can go frak themselves.  No, I'm not over; in fact, I'm not entirely sure I'll ever be over it.  If you don't like it, get out of my life, because I don't need that. 

Sorry about the rant....I have....grieving issues.  I keep going from angry to inconsolable to just wanting to die.  I've seen a therapist (still am, though I'm not entirely convinced it'll actually do something), and she says it's a completely normal range of emotions for me to be going through.  Add a prescription for anti-depressants and pain pills and send Meggen off.  But, neither of those seem to be helping anything.  I don't sleep very much at night, and when I do, I end up having horrible dreams/nightmares.  I can't seem to stop blaming myself for what happened, and I can't seem to get past it.  Yes, I know; I couldn't have prevented what happened.  It happens sometimes, and unless you get lucky and it shows up on an ultrasound, there's not a whole lot to be done.  Consciously, I understand that.  Sub-consciously.....I'm torturing myself.  I'm blaming myself.  I'm tearing myself apart at the seams because I had something absolutely wonderful and perfect, and I had her for eight minutes.  And no matter how hard I try lately, I can't stop thinking about those eight minutes.  Did I tell her everything I wanted to say?  No.  Did I keep her safe?  No.  Did I give her everything she deserved?  No.  Did I do everything I could for her?  I don't know.  Did I tell her I love her?  Every second.  But every second for eight minutes is never going to be enough, is it?  Every second for a hundred years is never going to be enough.

I just keep running it through my head.  Was she scared?  Did she know what was happening?  Did she....did she hate me for it?  On one hand, I would like to think she could hear me, that she knew how much I love her.  But on the other hand.....that means she would have known what was happening; that she was essentially suffocating.  And I can't deal with the unknowns here.  I can't stop my mind from thinking them, but I....can't stop.

So I've been doing what I always do when I can't directly deal with something that has happened.....I avoid it.  I play video games, I read, I watch tv, I talk to people about everything else under the sun....except that.  And I don't deal with it.  I bury it.  That's what I'm famous for....avoidance, burying.  even though I know that it will hurt me in the end, I still do it.  Sometimes I think I do it because I know it will hurt me more someday.  Because I think I deserve it.  Or because I know I do.  Maybe it's another self punishment I like to inflict upon myself.  I really don't know.

I don't know exactly how I feel.  I'm broken; I'm torn; I'm in a billion little pieces somewhere.  I'm in that hospital room every time I close my eyes.  I'm holding her every time I close my eyes.  And I feel like she blames me.  And I will never get the chance for forgiveness with her. 

Why?

Because my eight minutes are up.....