As I sit on my bed, five minutes from having to leave and go to surgery, I can't help but think. I can't help but think about what I am losing. I am headed to the first in a series of surgeries to replace the four teeth that were injured in last year's car accident with implants. It seems so simple when written like that....so...easy.

It is anything but.

I realize, as I sit here, that I am losing a piece of myself...a piece that I thought I had grieved for and let go already...but I haven't, not really. It is true that my smile and face has not been the same since last December's car accident, but this face, this smile, is one that I have become accustomed to. I held onto the fact that even though my face and smile weren't the same, they were still my teeth...but that will change in a scant hour. Yet again, my smile will be different....it will not be mine again. And I can't help but wonder if it will be mine ever again.

And as I sit, I know that I am losing something I can never get back, and it scares me....alot more than I'd realized before this morning.

So....I heard this song in a random playlist, and instantly had a story in my head..and the perfect angst ridden pairing for it.  It is my very first Cam/Sam vid, and it is au.

Here's the story....

Once upon a time....oh wait...not that kind of story... Let's try this again.  There once was cheese....damn, not that either. :P

On a mission, there's an accident.  Sam is injured and loses her memory, so she doesn't remember the life she has/had with Cam.  She tries to find a way to move on because she doesn't remember; Cam can't seem to.

Fairly simple, right?  Hopefully the vid does it justice (and the song too...the song is gorgeous)






I'm super nervous about this one, as it is my very first Cam/Sam vid, so comments, feedback are greatly appreciated!

Finally!  I have a new Sam/Daniel vid to post....yay!

This one is self explanatory :)

Enjoy!

But at least they're something, right?  I mean, they've been virtually silent for months...and now...they won't shut up.  Not that I want them to...I'm just...overwhelmed by the sheer volume of ideas they're pestering me with.

So here is a vid that's been in my brain mulling around for more than a year.  It is technically Sam/Jack.  Now before you angrily don't download or watch, let me explain.  It is kinda not Sam/Jack, too.  It is Sam's point of view, sort of unrequited, her thinking that she isn't good enough to be with Jack because he never seems to return her feelings (or what she thinks she's feeling for him).

Muses won't leave me alone.  My hand is actually cramped from using my mouse....how sad is that?  But I have a new vid to show for it....and hand will recover, right? 

Right?

...don't everyone speak up at once.....

Oh well :)

In this one, Tomin is remembering what it was like when Vala completed him, and even know he knows that it wouldn't work, and wouldn't last, he still loves her, misses what they had.  He also knows that he can't go back, that he has to let her go, but he still feels like without her, he's not complete.  (if this makes any sense...I haven't slept in a while, so it might not....I assure you, the vid is self explanatory)


Enjoy!


 As always, feedback is appreciated :)

So this one has been in qeue for nearly a year.  First it was on hold because I needed to finish clipping season 4 of Atlantis.  Then it was on hold because I had to reclip the entire series of SG-1.  Alas, now both are clipped, backed up, etc.....and the muses demanded it be made.

Unlike most of my recent vidding projects, this one is not angst-ridden...I know...shocking, eh?  Okay, it's a purely Sam vid, no shipping, etc.  It's jsut about her finding her way, learning how to take charge of her own fate.







Feedback is loved! :)

Don't touch the red button!  Even if you want to!  (It will blow us all up.)

Okay, yes, I'm kidding.  I just always wanted to say that....and now I have.

Being serious now.  All of the mistakes, all of the shortcomings and downfalls, and everything that I did that was right or wrong or somewhere in the middle.....all of it made me who and what I am.  So, to go back in time and try and prevent myself from making those mistakes, having those heartbreaks, it would change who I am.  Yes, it could make things better, and in the end, whether or not I would know the difference is a philosophical and astrophysical debate that I dont' want to get into.  Bottom line is, things would be different...I don't know how, but they would be. 

I've been doing a lot of looking back, counting regrets, hoping for more tomorrows than yesterdays lately.  Wondering if I could change something to make the present more than what it is, better than it is.  As i sit here, pondering the question, the perfect song plays in the background. "I was born to laugh, I learned to cry through my tears.  I was born to love, I'm gonna learn to love through my fear."  If we take away something that made us who we are, we take away ourselves.  There is no tomorrow without yesterday.

So, advice?  Look back but not too hard....you might miss something in the here and now.  Live for today, but remember tomorrow needs some consideration, too.

But I'm adorable when I'm insane (or so I keep insisting).  I have made another Tomin/Vala vid.  I had plans for this song for a BSG vid, but since I don't have clips yet, this one begged to be made.

Depsite the name of the song, this is not a happy go lucky shippy vid.  It's more of the raw, angst, wish this would work out but it's never going to type.....you know how I love angst :).  Anyway, enjoy!

Oh, and because I forgot it in the actual vid, I'll put it here.  THis one is dedicated topygmymuse  because she is as screwed about making vids lately as I am (...stupid muses anyway).
Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed putting it together!

Okay, so I made another vid.  I'm on a roll here....or something.  I can't seem to stop with the Vala/Tomin stuff (hmmm, just realized I need an icon for them).  Anyway, this one is a bit different.  It's a Cam/Vala, Vala Tomin one.

Oh, and question....I went to post this on Kawoosh...and they have a triangle vid competition going on right now (it ends tomorrow night), and I'm unsure if it is one...


Oh, and I need to know your answers quickly so I can enter it if you all think it is.... :)

Okay, so here it is.....

I'll add the youtube link when I get it uploaded there :)

Enjoy!
Poll #1438377
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 3

Is this a triangle vid and should I enter it in the competition?

*edit* Youtube link is up now :)

It was not even on the list....well, the song was, the pairing wasn't.....and I'll just blame pygmymuse  for funzies.

Without further ado....


Okay, snapdrive is slow uploading....so I will put in the link when it is done.  As always, feedback is much appreciated.

*Edit*  Video has been uploaded...click on the picture to watch :)

*Edited again*  I'm a spaz and accidently friends locked it....oops.  It's all fixed now.

So Dry Ground has been updated on ssk_productions .  It is a short chapter, but it does what was needed to be done.  Hope you guys enjoy!

Meggen

Dear Lost,
I think it would be best if we started seeing other tv shows.


Okay, I just finished season 4....what the frak was that?  Honestly, it's not fair.  I have to wait like 9 more hours for season 5 to finish downloading...that's such crap. 

No I don't want spoilers...just had to say it...

Sigh...I suppose season 5 ends just as badly, eh?

I'm screwed.

I think this one is particularly difficult to answer.  I mean, to put it simply, it depends....and it depends on everything.  First of all, if it's such a thing as they just don't get along, that's pretty simple.  Don't hang out all of you all the time, and maybe over time, everyone will start to get along.  It's a good theory, I know...who knows if it would really work.

However, if it's something like moving some distance to be with your significant other and it is away from your friends, then it is more and less complicated.  Which is, I know, awesome.  Here's how I see it.  Right now, I am contemplating moving to another country for my significant other.  Yes, I would be away from my friends, my family, everything familiar, everything that I've known.  But the thing of it is, that right now, it's not home because it's not with him.  I know that sounds terribly sappy and trite, but it is how I feel.  I would and/or will miss my friends and family terribly (at least...I will miss most of my family), and I'm not discounting that, but there is a time in life where you have to go out on your own....really out there.  Stand on the ledge and look over it...and then take that leap of faith.  If your friends and family love you, they will miss you terribly, but they will let you go, knowing you're never really gone.

I guess what I'm saying is....if your friends are the friends you believe them to be, you'd never have to choose between them and the person you love.  They would back you up, they would miss you, they would love you, but they would want you happy. 

And also, real friends and significant others wouldn't make you choose between them.

If you're wondering, he makes me very happy :)

My two cents...I'll get off my soapbox now.

Okay, so I finally saw it today.  Yes, I know...it took me forever.  I'm not going to get into plot things or anything in this post...mostly because I'm so tired I can hardly type.  Anyway, I really liked it, I'm going to see it again.  I was worried it was not going to be good, but they really did a wonderful job.  Of course, it has its moments, but what movie doesn't.

And then....SC laughed at me because I'm the biggest Trekkie and he thought it was adorable.  I don't know why, but that made it a really good day.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend all!

Okay,  I know this doesn't really answer the question, but it made me start thinking of how we always seem to try and change for people we care about.  I'm not saying that some changes aren't good or that sometimes we try and change ourselves to make ourselves seem more appealing.  Here's what I am saying:  Quite simply this.  What if we could find someone who we didn't have to change for?  Someone who, despite all of my obvious flaws, still found that me incredibly attractive.  Someone who found he didn't want to spend his lifetime with anyone besides me.

I'm not saying that this is always realistic to find.  But maybe we should all shoot for that.  And you never know...you may actually discover that it's not that hard to find. 

And yes, this is me...the eternal non-optimist...but I have been given reason to hope.

Okay, so it's not like this happens every day, but I was working on a new vid this afternoon, and decided to have some of the lovely and amazing pepsi and orange vodka combination that SC introduced me to.  I did not realize at the time that I hadn't had anything to eat, so two sips in...I was pretty tipsy.  And I do mean two sips...it's sad really.

So then my sister decides we need to go out for ice cream.  Here's where the humor occurs.  So we pull up in the drive thru thingy...and there's this sign that say they won't be serving chocolate ice cream on the weekends any more....So me, being slightly more than tipsy, says...what?  Does chocolate ice cream have religious beliefs that make it so it can't be eaten on the weekend?  And I, being slightly more than tipsy, say this really loudly...and the person starts cracking up...

Yeah....I don't think I'll be able to go there anymore.....

Okay, so I know this sets a dangerous precedence, but in honor of drgemini 's birthday (which is today :)), I have made a new Sam/Daniel vid.  It is done, it is complete....I am waiting for it to upload, and I will have the links up as soon as that happens.

I hope you have a really terrific day, hon.  You deserve it.  I hope you can put aside all the crap going on in your life, and revel in the fact you made it through another year.  I wish you bunches of happiness, today especially.

*lots of hugs*

And without further ado.....the video....

In a word: Absolutely.  If you are in a relationship, then you should devote your time and energy to that relationship, not split it between two. 

So I am completely wiped.  I haven't slept in days.  I cannot honestly foresee sleep anywhere in the near future...which, quite honestly, sucks.  So...I'm using my rant icon because it makes me happy.  And let's face it...after like two days of not sleeping, you need happines....after three or four days...well...you really need happiness.  Also, adult beverages....but that is being taken care of promptly as well.

Onward, and....whatever....

So, things are going...where they are going, I'm not quite sure, but they are definately headed somewhere.  Some say Mars others say to hell.   I don't really know at this point.  Let me clarify....Things with SC were sketchy for a few days, but now they seem to be okay.  Which makes me feel pretty good.  And...I now have wingmen...this is helpful because I cannot be trusted to read men with any sort of clarity.  But, apparently, he does not see me as part of his "friend zone" (according to aforementioned wingmen), which is good.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I value his friendship...but...yeah...I don't want to go back to being just friends.

Oh, and I seem to be mostly over aforementioned mental break.  Again, thanks to the guys in [Jp]...you guys are always awesome :).

Let's see....what else before I go and bury myself in the season of Lost I waited patiently until it was over to watch because I hate cliff-hangers....and I know they're going to be evil anyway?  Oh, yes....have finally caught up on the show 'Castle.'  I really love it....Nathan Fillion is amazing.  Haven't caught Dollhouse yet, but it's on the list.  Does anyone know if Legend of the Seeker has finaled yet?  I think I'm an ep or two behind, but I don't remember.  Oh, I wondered....who of you like 'Lie to me'?  Because that is a good show....also 'Fringe.'

Oh, and before I forget, has anyone heard when the release of the next Stargate movie/s is/are?  I heard rumors of an Atlantis movie, but I wasn't sure if it was confirmed...and I haven't heard anything since last year about the third Stargate movie....and I'm worried that they'll never actually get around to making it....

So...yeah...I haven't mentioned it for a while, but my progress since the accident has sort of stalled out.  I'm in excruciating amounts of pain pretty much 24/7.  My doctors are both pushing painkillers at me, telling me to take them when I need them, but honestly, I'm pretty much going to have this level of pain for at least the next year.  If I continue to take the painkillers like they're prescribing them, I will have a problem.  Because, yeah, it's going to be a good year or so until everything is done and back to "normal."  So, I've been trying to deal with the pain in other ways, which are...not working (hence why the no sleeping for several days at a time).  I just keep thinking...another year of this.  I mean, yes, I've gotten "used" to the pain....as much as one can get used to the fact it feels like someone is using a hammer on your face....but that doesn't make it hurt less.  It just means that I get a higher tolerance for it.  But things like eating and sleeping...they're difficult.  Eating is out because it hurts too much to chew, and sleeping is hard because it hurts to have anything touch my face.  So....I'm....screwed...But really, that part's not so new...

Okay, enough ranting on that....

Anyway...that's pretty much all that's going on around here.  Hope everyone has a good rest of the week...